Harry Potter and the Curse of the Giant Pickle
by Something-Cheesey
Summary: Harry acts a little childish, Ron is quite stupid and Hermione is a bit of a snob. But whats new, eh? Hagrid decides he wants to be part of a different nationality and Dumbledore is er... found out! RR!
1. Saved in the name of Surf

**Brilliance of the Moon Challenge #13:**

A stupid story about Harry Potter. Purely Humorous. Ron must be stupid, Harry must act like a baby, and Hermione will be a snob. Percy must be dead! Also, be Creative!

----------------------------------------------

Dedicated to Catherine, My inspiration. Hehe!

I must stress that I do not own any of the characters used from the HP Series (Unless I create a character myself obvvv)  
I am not JKR!

**Harry Potter and The Curse of the Giant Pickle  
**No pickles were harmed in the making in this story.  
(In fact no pickles were used at all)

**Chapter 1: Saved in the name of Surf.**

Harry and Ron were sitting in the Gryffindor common room eating cheese sticks whilst they played a very violent game of wizard's chess. Hermione burst through the portrait hole and shrieked,

"HARRY! RON! NEVILLE HAS BEEN CONSUMED BY THE GIANT SQUID! WE HAVE TO GO SAVE HIM!"

"WHAT? HOW? Is that squid STILL hungry! I only just fed Percy to him the other day – I told him he should start dieting! He'll be too big for the lake soon!" Panicked Ron.

"Well, we have to get down to the lake AND QUICKLY!" Hermione said hurriedly.

"But… That's all the way down stairs!" Harry said, looking pathetic.

"Ok… Erm… We'll…FLY ON THE CHESS BOARD!!" Ron said looking rather pleased not to mention shocked at his own bright idea.

"That's a brilliant idea Ron! One thing, chess boards _don't_ fly…" Hermione stated snobbishly.

"Oh. Yeah." Ron realised looking deflated.

"There's always flying carpets, like in Aladdin – He's my hero!" Harry proudly stated, puffing out his chest.

"I thought the Easter bunny was your hero?" Ron said through suppressed giggles.

Harry went a shade of deep red, not unlike the underpants he was wearing under his robes.

"No! You're all wrong, WRONG I SAY!" Harry burst into tears, sobbing on Hermione's shoulder.

"Oh Harry, don't cry, do you want me to get Lami?" Hermione asked soothingly, while stroking Harry's head.

"Y-yes p-p-please" Harry sniffed.

Hermione skipped up the stairs to the boy's dormitory and came back down minutes later carrying a large, multi-coloured stuffed fish. Harry grabbed Lami and held the teddy close to his chest, kissing it in a loving way.

"Right, now we've calmed _him_ down" Hermione said, giving Harry a glance, "We can go save Neville" Hermione was looking very worried now.

"Oh yeah, I forgot about him, but Hermione how do we get there?" Ron asked looking puzzled.

"LEGS!" Hermione shrieked.

"WHERE?" Ron jumped up banging his head on the candleholder.

"Oh Ron, on our bodies of course! I do worry about you sometimes" she said matter of factly.

A tiny voice came from the corner. It was Harry.

"If we're using legs _I_ want my pushchair!" he sobbed.

"Harry you broke it last week when a Slytherin told you Voldemort wears pink nail varnish, you freaked out and put your leg through the material, remember?" Hermione said cringing; she didn't like to think about that day too much.

"Lets just go shall we!" Ron exploded in anger, "Poor Neville might be having his leg chewed off and you two keep bickering!"

"Ok, Keep your knickers on Ronald!" Hermione glared at Ron.

They set off down stairs; Harry started to moan on the fourth step,

"Are we nearly there yet?" he whined.

"Nearly..." Hermione lied.

After half an hour they finally reached the bottom step, they had a terrible time getting Harry down, in the end; Ron carried him down – much to his displeasure.

They managed to get outside with no trouble at all, and not one sound came from Harry. They figured he must fear the steps, a much bigger fear than he had for Voldemort.

They ran down to the lake hoping they weren't too late and they could save poor Neville. They reached the lake and looked over the edge, there was no sign of Neville, or the giant squid.

"LOOK, RUSS, A FISH! A FISH!" Harry jumped around excitedly, his arms waving in the air.

"My names Ron not Russ!" Ron said looking confused. Harry was very strange sometimes.

"Its Russ" Harry said forcefully.

"RON" Bellowed Ron.

"RUSS" Harry screeched back.

"RON"

"RUSS"

"RON"

"RUSS"

"R-"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP? LOOK! In the water, bubbles!" Hermione said with a startled expression on her face.

Over in the middle of the lake you could just make out an area of bubbles surfacing on top of the water. Then as the three of them watched from the bank a great wave of water rose and out of it came…

"NEVILLE!" they all screamed.

Neville was indeed in the wave riding what looked like a very old and chewed up surf board.

"AWOOHOOOO" Neville whooped as he landed face first on the grass, the surfboard (which was bright orange) flew out of the water and hit Luna Lovegood on the head knocking her out of a daydream about flying turnips.

"Sorry Luna!" Neville called over to her as she rubbed her head and wondered off towards the castle.

"Neville! How on earth did you survive, we just came to help you!" Ron said awe struck at Neville's entrance to dry land. Neville, who was dripping wet, grinned cheekily.

"Well, you see, after the Giant Squid swallowed me, I got stuck down his throat and he threw me back out of his mouth along with the surf board, which I think was stuck down there too"

"Did you see any fish, Neville" Harry said brightly.

"Erm… A few" Neville said, not really knowing what to say.

Harry, who loved fish, got very excited and demanded at once that they go scuba diving in the lake.

"No Harry, not today, I think we should go see Hagrid, we haven't seen him in a while." Hermione suggested.

They set off at once, leaving Neville by the lake tipping water out of his shoes and removing seaweed from his hair.

They reached Hagrid's hut in no time at all, and knocked three times on his door. The door opened at once, and in front of them was a very frightening sight, and rather disturbing. Hagrid who was normally hairy and fully clothed now had a shiny, baldhead, a grass skirt and a coconut bra. If this sight wasn't shocking enough, when Hagrid opened his mouth it wasn't his usual rough twang, it was… _Jamaican_.

"Harry maaaaan, how are yaaa?" Hagrid grinned at all there of them, "Hermione, Ron, nice to see yaaa"

"Hagrid" Hermione whispered, unable to comprehend what she was seeing and hearing, "What on earth has happened? Why are you Jamaican and _why _are you looking like the whole of Hawaii just threw up on you?"

"Yeah! And why are you bald?" Harry asked.

Hagrid look very offended but let them in his hut. Fang greeted them in his usual way, although he, just like Hagrid had changed dramatically. Fang was now a brilliant shade of purple.

"Hagrid, Please tell us this is some sort of joke…" Ron looked at Hagrid, as though he has gone insane.

"Nahh maaaaan" Hagrid said looking hurt, he faltered and he spoke in his usual voice, "So, y'don't like me new look then" He stared at them; Hermione was the first to speak.

"Its not that we don't like it, Hagrid, it's just… its very different" she said carefully.

"Yeah, yeah maybe the worlds just not ready for you and your… grass skirt…" Ron said trying to cheer up a very sad and bald looking Hagrid.

Hagrid seemed to cheer up and they all sat down to eat some pie that tasted a lot like mouldy sprouts.

They chatted for a while and they told Hagrid about Neville surviving the attack of the Giant Squid. Hagrid was delighted to hear that his surfboard had been found.

"Aye! In me youth I used to love that surfboard! I was champion at Hogwarts in me day, I was the Surfin' King!"

Ron, Hermione and Harry howled with laughter. They definitely want to see Hagrid riding the waves, and Hagrid has promised them he would show them.

By the time they had stopped talking it was time to back up to the castle. It was getting dark and the 3 of them we're starving. Harry was freaking out, he thought his stomach was actually speaking to him, but Hermione explained that it was because he was hungry and that's just the noise it makes.

They entered the great hall to have dinner; Harry ran to the pot of mash potato and pilled lots of it on to his plate. He sat down and ate it at high speed and finished in a spectacular manner by licking his plate clean. He put down his knife and fork and bellowed at the top of his lungs.

"FINISHED!"

The hall fell silent, Hermione and Ron were still standing, they hadn't even got to their seats yet, and they stared at Harry in utter shock. And then the door to the Great Hall opened and Professor Snape stood in the frame. He shouted so that his voice echoed around the silent hall.

"POTTER! COME HERE" He bellowed

Harry got up from his place, on the way to Snape, George Weasely whispered to Harry,

"Harry, you've got potato on your cheek!"

Harry wiped away the potato as he walked towards Snape.

"Yes Sir?" He asked politely.

Professor Snape bent down and whispered in Harry's ear,

"I believe you are wearing my underwear, Potter. I want them back by tomorrow or else I shall take this matter to Professor Dumbledore."

Harry nodded glumly. He loved those red boxer shorts.


	2. Ron of the Jungle

Thank you for the reviews! Keep them coming!

Harry Potter and the Curse of the Giant Pickle.

Chapter 2. Ron of the Jungle

Hermione was sat in the library when she felt hot breath on the back of her neck. She jumped from her seat and turned around to find Ron rasping, his face inches away from Hermione's. He was dressed in a very peculiar way. He looked like a tree. He was standing very still with a blank expression on his face. Ron had been trying to think of a way to follow Hermione without her noticing. He had been watching Harry play with his Army men when he was struck with a brilliant idea! He would become camouflaged. He had gone out into the Forbidden Forrest and pulled up a small bush. He stuck his head in the bush so that his head poked out of the other side.

"What in heavens name are you doing, Ronald?" Hermione questioned looking both startled and amused. But Ron didn't seem to hear Hermione nor did he realise that she could see him; he simply stood there, silently.

"Ron, you whale! Talk to me now, or I'll set Crookshanks after you!" She warned getting slightly frustrated at her best friend. Ron stood there, silently. "CROOKSHANKS! GET HIM!" She screamed. Crookshanks leapt out of nowhere and raced after Ron. Ron was sprinting around the library wailing, leaving a trail of leaves behind him.

"STOP! STOP!" he screeched, but Crookshanks chased after him, Ron climbed the book case with much difficulty but he eventually reached the top and he peered down to the floor, he saw that Crookshanks was staring up at him with his big yellow eyes, he meowed hungrily, Ron gulped. Ron decided to make a run for it, he looked up the ceiling and clutched on to the nearest candle holder. He swung away from the bookcase and yelled loudly,

"AHHHAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAA-A-A-A-A"

"RON! RON! WATCH OUT FOR THAT-" Hermione screeched, but her warning was too late, Ron had flown into the bookcase, he slithered down it, and landed face first on to the floor, Crookshanks leapt on to Ron and sat down on his back.

"…bookcase" Hermione whispered, looking down at Ron in disgrace.

Madam Pince wasn't happy at all. In fact, she was distraught! "NO ANIMALS IN THE LIBRARY! AND WHY IS THAT BOY DRESSED AS A TREE?" She bellowed.

The library fell silent; Ron froze his arms over his head with Crookshanks clinging on for dear life. Hermione was the first to speak,

"Please Miss… We… I mean, Ron, well he's… he's been stalking me, but I don't mind, I quite enjoy it…" She blushed.

Madam Pince breathed deeply, looking like an irritated dinosaur, she whispered in to the silence,

"Get out of my library now" She looked at Ron and Hermione who both rushed out of the library and into the empty corridor.

"Ron! What on earth are you playing at?" Hermione seethed.

Ron didn't say anything, which wasn't a surprise. He looked very much like a dead tree now, all the leaves had fallen off and he was now left with the bare branches framed around his head.

They reached the Gryffindor common room and Hermione said the password,

"Toilet Roll" she said smartly.

The portrait hole opened and they entered to find Harry singing to himself.

"…anddddd theeee dishhhh ran awaaaaaay with the spooooooon" he sang, swaying from side to side, a big grin playing on his face.

"Hi Harry!" Ron said brightly, patting his best friend on the head, "Great singing"

"Thanks! I've been practising you know. I want to sing it to Dumbledore on his 151st Birthday next week!" Harry said happily.

Ron and Hermione exchanged looks, smirking. Just as Hermione was about to congratulate Harry on his idea to sing to Dumbledore on his birthday, two red headed boys burst through the door. It was the twins, Fred and George.

"Hey guys!" they chorused.

"Hey Fred, George! What you up to today?" Ron asked his two brothers.

"Nothing! We. Are. So. Bored!" Fred exclaimed.

"Tell me about it" Muttered Ron.

"Fancy getting up to some mischief?" George asked with a grin.

"Why didn't I think of it sooner?" Fred whooped giving his brother a high-five.

"But what sort of mischief could we get up to?" Harry pondered, stroking his chin.

"I'VE GOT IT!" George said leaping around, "We shave Mrs Norris!"

They all looked at George in surprise and then Fred's face broke into a huge grin.

"That, my dear brother, is a plan" He said excitedly, "We can paint her grey and re-name her 'Elephant' and we'll make her a name tag and EVERYTHING!"

Fred and George looked like they were going to burst with excitement, both faces had gone as red as their hair and their eyes were popping out.

"Ok! Lets get cracking!" Ron said rubbing his hands together, "Fred, you get the paint, George, get the razor, Harry go find Mrs Norris-"

"Now just wait a second, don't you thi-" Hermione started, cutting Ron off, but she was too late, they had all run out of the common room and Hermione was left by herself. She had to do something, she had to find Mr Filch and put a stop to this stupid, and extreme cruelty to cats!

She found the boys, but it was too late, Mrs Norris was already bald and they were just finishing off painting her tail.

"I cannot believe you lot! I really can't" She seethed. The four boys cowered away from Hermione.

"It was only a joke…" Fred said quietly.

"ONLY A JOKE? WHAT IF I SHAVED _YOU_ AND PAINTED _YOU_ GRAY, HOW WOULD _YOU_ LIKE IT, FRED?" She screamed, unable to contain herself.

"I'd quite enjoy it Hermione" Fred blushed.

Hermione frowned at Fred and as she turned around she came face to face with Mr Filch.

"Hello sir" they all gulped.

"What the devil have you done to my cat boy!" he boomed, his face inches away from George's, who was holding the paint brush in one hand and the razor in the other.

"Not a cat, sir_, Elephant_" Fred corrected in a whisper.


	3. Discovering Santa

Thank you to my lovely reviewers! I am oh so very sorry it took **THIS** long to get the next chapter out, but I am lazy and my brain stopped working, but then Catherine threatend me and I thought I'd better get my act together.. Haha! ENJOY!

**Chapter 3 - Harry Potter and the Curse of the Giant Pickle: Discovering Santa**

It was nearing Christmas and Hogwarts was bursting with festive cheer, the school was decorated top to bottom in tinsel and the Great Hall was filled with so many Christmas tree's you would of thought the Forbidden Forest had decided to relocate itself in the Great Hall. It was not only Christmas that was getting the students excited, there was another celebration coming up, and that was the birthday of a very powerful wizard, the greatest wizard off all, Albus Dumbledore's 151st birthday, and every year since he had become headmaster they had celebrated his birthday extravagantly. Each student presents the Professor with a unique gift on the day of his birthday, and after the presentation of the gifts the whole school lets loose and has a good old boogie with their favorite headmaster!

This year Harry decided he did not want to get him something he could keep; he had enough stuff anyway, the greedy idiot! Harry had been practicing a song that he thought the Professor would enjoy; it was one of Harry's favorite nursery rhymes, "_Hey, diddle, diddle_" and he was planning to sing it to him after the Birthday feast in the Great Hall.

The day went past quickly and Ron, Harry and Hermione, along with Ginny made their way down to the Great Hall. They walked through the door to be greeted by the whole school, which were chatting away merrily and pointing excitedly at the lavish decorations surrounding them. Harry gawped, looking stupid, the hall looked wonderful! At the front of the hall, above the staff table there was a giant banner with the words, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU OLD CODGER!" in bright red letters. Harry could tell Fred and George had something to do with it, but this didn't offend Dumbledore, he chuckled and shook his head, he was grinning, looking very excited, with a large glass of sherry in his hand.

"Settle down, settle down, please!" barked Professor McGonagall to the babble of students sat in front of her. She didn't look her usual smart self; she was wearing a brightly coloured robe with an orange bow in her hair. She beamed at them all, as she loved the celebration of Dumbledore's birthday, it was such a great atmosphere and a great opportunity for the school to come together and have fun.

"Now, we shall welcome, the one, the only, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!" Cheers, screams and wolf whistles filled the Great Hall as Dumbledore stood up from his seat on the top table; he winked at Professor McGonagall as she sat down in her place.

"Thank you, THANK YOU!" he shouted over the applauding crowed of students, "I am still alive – look at that! Yes, yes, I am still here, my beard is a little longer and I am finding more and more wrinkles and I keep telling everyone that they are laughter lines, but as they say, what on earth was that funny? Cheeky devils! Now, I do not want to speak for much longer, so we shall get on with the present giving!" he rubbed his hands eagerly and the first Gryffindor stood up and walked over to Professor Dumbledore,

"Happy Birthday, Sir", the boy shook his hand and presented Dumbledore with a book, "How To Stay Young At Heart", Dumbledore smiled and shook the boy's hand gratefully.

The giving of the presents dragged on for half an hour more until it was Luna Lovegood's turn to give Dumbledore her gift. She pranced up to the top table with her blonde locks flowing behind her; she stopped abruptly in front of her headmaster and held out her hands in front of her, which had a sparkly golden carrot laid in the palm of her hand, she said that it would give him good luck and a long lasting life!

It then came to Neville Longbottom's turn and he walked up the top table slowly, his face bright red, he looked at Dumbledore in shame and mumbled something,

"What did you say, sorry, I couldn't here you dear boy" Dumbledore said kindly.

"I… I… I'm sorry Professor Dumbledore but I forgot it… it... was your birthday…" He hung his face in shame waiting for Dumbledore's disappointed reply, but it didn't come,

"Don't worry Neville, I have far too many presents and I am sure one will not matter" Dumbledore grinned and patted Neville on the top of his head and he sped to his seat as quickly as possible.

Now it was Harry's turn, he was very much excited and he couldn't wait to sing his song to Dumbledore. He looked into Dumbledore's expectant face and began to sing,

"Hey diddle diddle,  
The cat and the fiddle,  
The cow jumped over the moon,  
The little dog laughed to see such fun,  
And the dish ran away with the spooooooooon."

He ended the last note with a very high, long tune that echoed around the silent hall. Nobody spoke when Harry had finished, everyone was looking at Harry in great surprise until Dumbledore broke the silence by clapping slowly until Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, the twins and Luna joined in, the clapping became louder until the whole school was clapping and cheering, Harry grinned, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PROFESSOR!" Dumbledore was very grateful, and Harry went to sit down with his friends, looking very pleased with himself.

Next came Hermione, who gave Dumbledore a Blind Date in Madam Puddifoot's on the day of his choice, Ron a chess set that shouted insults at the player when he made a wrong move, Ginny hair dye; "For his grey bits" and Fred and George a card board cut out of himself, that grinned and winked every now and then.

The party went on for a several hours after and they all enjoy taking part in the vigorous dancing that was taking place on the dance floor – even Snape was swinging his hips!

At around 11 that evening people started going to bed and the crowd in the great hall thinned so that only a few were left. As Harry, Ron and Hermione were wandering up the stairs (Harry was treating the stairs with care, he still did not like for them much) Harry yelped and clapped his hand to his head,

"Harry! The stairs will not attack you, how many times am I going to tell you?" Hermione huffed.

"No, no, no! It's not them – although they do look rather menacing tonight – it's Dumbledore! I haven't given him his birthday card I made him!" he said worriedly.

"You'll be able to give it to him in the morning, Harry" Ron reasoned.

"Nooooo! I want to give him it tonight" He whined, stamping his foot so hard it made Hermione and Ron jump in surprise.

"Ok, run up to his office now, but don't be long, you know what the fat lady's like, she won't let you in past midnight!"

"Ok! I'll be quick" and Harry sped off in the other direction towards Dumbledore's office.

He stopped abruptly at the entrance, now… what was the password?

He thought for a moment and decided he would try a few,

"Fruit Gums!" No, that wasn't it.

"Chewits!" No…that wasn't it either!

He thought for a moment, and then he remembered,

"SMARTIES!" And the entrance sprang to life leading the way to the revolving staircase.

He knocked loudly on the door, and heard Dumbledore's hurried footsteps become louder as he threw open the door.

"Hello, sir!" Harry said brightly stepping into the office without invitation.

Dumbledore closed the door and faced Harry, smiling.

"Well Harry, I must say I enjoyed your song very much, yes, it was lovely! Have you ever thought about entering Pop Idol? I am sure you'd do well!"

"Err, no I haven't sir" Harry said, grinning, "I just came to give you your birthday card… are you going somewhere" Harry had just noticed Dumbledore was wearing a traveling cloak,

"Oh yes, um, I'm going to feed my Reind- I mean um, cats…" Dumbledore faltered and looked away from Harry's face.

"What sir, your what?" Harry asked, he was sure he was about to say Reindeers.

"My cats… I'm off to feed my cats!" Dumbledore lied.

Harry looked around the office and saw a pile of carrots in a plastic bag; cats don't eat carrots do they? And what was that, laid on the back of the chair, a Santa suit? Harry gasped,

"Are you…are…you…Santa?" He breathed, his eyes shining with delight.

"N-no… What would make you think that?" Dumbledore went very red and tried to stand in front of the chair that was holding the Santa suit.

"HA! YOU ARE! Why didn't you tell me! I could of sung a much better song, sir!" and he grabbed one of the carrots off the table, leapt up on to a chair and began to sing 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town' very loudly indeed, using the carrot as a microphone,

"SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN! SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWNNNN! OH YOU BETTER WATCH OUT YOU BETTER NO-"

"HARRY!" Dumbledore shouted, silencing Harry, "Please! You must not tell anyone! It is top secret information!"

"I won't sir, I promise! Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye!"

"Ok…well you don't have to go that far, I don't want you going blind" Dumbledore reassured Harry.

Ten minutes later Harry was in the Gryffindor common room telling Ron and Hermione what he had just witnessed, breaking his promise to Dumbledore. Fortunately they didn't believe him, and figured it was one of Harry's mad ideas,

"Harry, Santa isn't real, you know that" Hermione said soothingly

"But… But… I just saw… He is!" He was trying to make them understand.

"I think it's time you went to bed, how many pumpkin juices did you have Harry, you know it makes you go hyper? Ron I think you should take him up to bed before he becomes dangerously hyperactive and starts trying to run up the walls again…"


End file.
